The armed belly crawlers among us can rest easy. Mouth breathing juries in two states have affirmed the legality of that age-old tradition of reacting to uppitiness with deadly force. Members of the lesser races or the lesser gender risk legal execution for refusing to accede to the demands of a manly white man.

To recap the heroic story of manly hero George Zimmerman:

A large man sees a small teenager suspiciously blacking up his neighborhood (truly, what is the point of living in a gated community if negroes suspicious people are allowed in?). After police refused to help Zimmerman deswarth the block (even going so far as to tell our law-abiding-standing-his-ground-tough-guy hero to leave the perpetrator of this flagrant melanin pollution alone), Zimmerman practically had no choice but to stalk the no doubt future criminal (I mean, look at him, hoodie, dark skin, and all) for a time and, when confronted, ventilate him with a manly gun.

As for the heroic story of manly attempted john Ezekiel Gilbert:

When a man hires an escort from Craigslist, it is assumed that the term “escort” is in quotes (as shown). That is to say, the legal avocation of paid escort is supposed to be a mere euphemism for the illegal occupation of prostitute. If, as in this story, that is not the case, it is clearly within a man’s rights to shoot the not-whore in the neck.

With a manly gun.

Update: I should also mention that, to date, every single defense of Zimmerman that I have heard contained one or more dogwhistle racist claims. Interestingly, something else I have heard from Zimmerman defenders is the Reefer Madness defense, implying that Trayvon Martin was “all hopped on the merry-jew-wannah,” and probably desperately violent as a result. Having attended college for over a week, and/or a single music concert not taking place at a grade school, I can say that violent pot aficionados are probably not very common. As well, I find it interesting that most of the “he has used marijuana, which implies he could break into a murderous rage at any moment” crowd have used marijuana in the past themselves. As I am not among the estimate 42% of American adults who have used marijuana, I will have to take their word for it that weed renders one prone to violent rampages.